Discovering Katy Mae; Quick Read (New Readers) (New Content) (Memories).
MikeANP only listened to “Understanding” once or twice. It was just too powerful. That song, for some reason, pre discovery (Pe-D) messed my head up bad. I put the song down. I even told the #Brick, “Somethings up with this song” and I forgot it. I forgot it for over a year.
I remember speaking to a Psychotherapist “I think I have a female side and she’s a real bitch!” I was just joking. She said, “Don’t ever call her a bitch, the Doctor wasn’t kidding”.
Fast forward later that night. “Understanding” was playing. I was sitting at my computer desk. I was watching Amy Lee dance. I was already a few years sober.
And then it hit.
“Oh, dear Jesus God, no”. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move, my jaw was dropped. I wasn’t blinking I was just staring at the dancing female The song in my headphones, I couldn’t hear anymore. My world stopped, entirely – I was in a total catatonic panic (And it remained this way for weeks after discovery. It couldn’t, it just couldn’t be this simply and terribly complicated.
“Oh God, no, it can’t be this, Oh no…”.
Katy had finally reached me. It finally hit me that I (MikeANP) wasn’t watching a music video about Amy Lee (33), I was watching home movies of Katy Mae. Katy Mae is absolutely, terrifyingly just like the real Amy Lee – More so in persona. Many people that have met us have sensed the image above – They just don’t know what they are experiencing or how to verbalize what they are sensing. That’s been happening since we were children – People always react oddly around us. It’s the glorious female side that everyone senses but can’t see.
That was the night my entire life changed, forever. Living with true DiD is a life shattering and life altering disorder to live with. It forcefully dictates your every living second, forever. It quickly envelops and then suffocates you. It becomes you and you become it. There’s no doubt in my mind that true DiD is the most complicated disorder anywhere in the world to live with. It’s a beautiful nightmare.
Pre discovery (Pe-D) element of a crushed and saddened Katy Mae – She’s upset because she still hasn’t reached MikeANP. She showed this to me at least half a million times, hoping that I heard her.
There were more wonderful and beautiful ladies to discover; But that’s for another time.
Living with true DiD means riding a sometimes absolutely horrifying, devastating, terribly embarrassing and terrifying ride, every single second of every single day. When you aren’t happily and dreadfully becoming Katy Mae you’re becoming MikeANP or worse yet (HAHA <3), Kayleigh. Sexuality and DiD is a serious, serious, SERIOUS problem. Sexuality is one of the biggest problems of living with DiD. It’s complicated on an “unreal” scale that is without a doubt, traumatizing and sometimes, horrifying
Writing about the experience is perhaps even better than living with it, sometimes. We are all, in our own ways in awe and admiration of each other, just as much as we don’t always like each other. There are so many fascinating aspects to living with DiD that need to be shared with the world because true DiD cases are incredibly small. You have a better chance of meeting someone who’s sister was struck by lightning than finding someone with an accurate, classic diagnosis of true DiD.