Written by MikeANP
There is more than one female in our female system. This post is more a testament about all of them, with Katy Mae in the focus, as her song is what kick started our recovery. Katy Mae has existed at least since the age of 18 if not longer.
“You hold the answers deep within your mind. consciously you have forgotten it. That’s the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memory but the imprint is always there.”
I first heard this song pre discovery of DiD Out of all the songs I know, this song is the one that I know saved us all. The first time I heard this song, I knew it was special. Something about it moved me (MikeANP) to the point of tears – Seemingly, however for no real reason (At the time).
It was Katy Mae screaming out in the only way she knew how. It’s her dance that stood out. She was announcing, “Dad, I’m right here!!!” To understand her, you must disregard and suspend disbelief for a moment.
Anyone who has physically met us, has sensed in us, what you are seeing above.
Suspend disbelief. You aren’t looking at Amy Lee (33), you are actually seeing Katy Mae! She’s the most kindhearted thing you have ever met – She loves everyone and wants to save the world. That’s our Katy Mae. All in the system agree that she is the most wonderful part of us.
Miss Mae has been screaming out, for decades, into the void of our system. There is one I/p (Internal Projection) that she has been using for at least a decade:
The above is the echo element (E/e), she showed me, at least half a million times. It’s a crushed Katy Mae that still hasn’t reached the rest of us. Note the 3 (ARS) pronged leaf. She’s literally showing me, like a photo, this same echo element, over and over and over again. No wonder she felt like she did.
Somehow I think deep down, I knew Katy Mae existed I don’t think I was ready to entertain the idea she existed in the first place. Our female side. The song felt back into the void but I know as I knew then, that it was an important one. This was the winter of 2015.
By this time, we were in therapy and it was our therapist had said, in passing that “I never call her a bitch”. She knew it. I had suggested a female altar, more in a joking manner than a serious one. I knew, I’m sure I knew, deep down. By this time, it had been one year since “Understanding” was first heard by me.
“Understanding” started playing again (Nothing in our lives is coincidence, ask anyone) and it hit me like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be who I thought it might be. It was an avalanche. Katy Mae finally reached me. It was only months after I read about what DiD was, did she appear. Her existence solidified the fear I felt. It just couldn’t be true.
This is one of Katy Mae’s physical echos (E/e(p)). If you physically see her blink her eyes and stare as you as see Amy Lee doing above, you’re interacting with her. If she physically echo’s something, she exists, doesn’t she?
I must have played “Understanding” at least 100 times that night. It was that simple, it was just that simple. Katy Mae existed. I remember the total shock of that night. It’s important to note, Katy Mae was discovered in sobriety with alcohol.
The lyrics, now that I hear them, are quite simple: “Don’t hate me because I will die if you do”. Katy Mae was and has been trying to start internal dialogues (I/d) for decades with echo elements (E/e). Her attempts by playing music such as “My heart is broken” hundreds of thousands of times, fell upon deaf ears.
I, MikeANP always assumed that we were endlessly echoing (E/e) for some other reason than ourselves. Were these echos for friends? Do they represent loved ones? Do they represent particular social situations? I had no idea.
None of the External Projections (E/-p+) we use with everyone, ever start out as external projections; All of them, are (and have been) actually internal projections (I/p) to eachother. This was/is our way of visually communicating with each other (And others). In some cases, screaming out.
Katy Mae destroying the negative self images the rest of us held, with her existence in our lives. She has a tendency to do this with others too, ask anyone.
That, is when the the reality that there was more than one female stuck in one body. It wasn’t just Katy Mae. I probably deep down knew that too. The female side of us has existed since we were born. We were traumatized as babies. Long story.
Katy Mae is an artist and an empath. She’s extremely shy. If she ever reaches out to you, just say “Hi Katy Mae!!”, or whatever you might. Don’t act too surprised but be surprised because she’s shy. Very shy. She had to hide through decades and decades of misdiagnosis, addiction and illness.
It wasn’t just Katy Mae but that’s another story for another time. Thanks for hanging through the entire article. Stay as lovely as we know you are.