Wed. Dec 11th, 2019

Our DiD Journey

"People do it everyday; They talk to themselves. They seem themselves as they'd like to be" –Fight Club

It’s still hard.

3 min read

Written by: MikeANP

Hello lovely souls. We hope your evening is going well. The Pretty Bug is co-engaged and listening to “Understanding” while I write. Like I say, when you see Amy Lee (33), you’re staring directly at Katy Mae. It’s still hard, years and years into recovery; There is a tremendous amount of guilt and sadness that comes along with our self discovery of DiD. I can only write from my perspective; We all feel differently about recovery.

The hardest part of recovery, for me is the guilt and sadness of knowing that I spent 35+ years, estranged from the rest of my family. That’s the hardest part; That I have lost decades with them. Decades that I cannot get back. As a system, we are finally who we were all supposed to be. I find myself apologizing to them for getting them into this giant mess, in the first place.

Do you think there’s a reason Vermont, a tiny, no nothing state in the middle of nowhere is the subject(s) of so many motion pictures? It’s all, very simple.

Looking back, of course, it all made sense. All the conversations with my invisible daughter in the passenger seat of the car I was driving at the time. Now it makes complete sense but for too long, it made no sense. Who the hell was I talking to and interacting with for so long – I was so sick, I never asked myself, who, I was talking to – It went on like this for decades. We never spoke to each other in front of people but we ended up referring to ourselves in the 3rd, many times in front of others; Tragedy ensued.

I know it’s really hard for you lovely souls to understand and conceptualize what exactly I’m talking about. Call me “crazier” if you like (Per Kayleigh) I lost all of my daughter’s childhood, it’s gone. I lost Kayleigh and all of them. Had we had each other, all of this would have been different.

Had I listened correctly and been diagnosed properly, I might have been able to save us a lifetime – I would have been able to hear their voices again. I was informed that I had, even as a toddler, I had an “imaginary” friend who was my adoptive name”. No – It was someone else talking to me. They have always been with me; For that, I am eternally grateful. I wouldn’t be alive with them.

I implore all of you out there chatting with me; Get to know them, all of them – We are a bunch of miscreants but we are all individuals with stories and I promise you, you will grow to love them, just as I do. Even Kayleigh.

  None of this is crazy, by the way, it’s just us – As we are now.

Mark approved.

  And that’s that.

That’s the shitty part of my recovery.

Really shitty. No more whining.

You guys rock for comin’ by and checking us out. Especially on your Friday night! 😀 Thank you and we’ll see you soon. 🙂

24 thoughts on “It’s still hard.

  1. Not crazy. Not one bit.
    And don’t ever let anyone tell you so.
    Just pure and beautiful ❤️.

    I’m grateful to know you ALL.

    1. What a sweet and wonderful thing to say! Thank you so much! You can interact with us in a few different ways and we’d love to get to know you too! 😀 😀 😀

      Many of us will comment on another’s family member’s blog post. Don’t be afraid, feel free to jump into the convo(s)! This is a great place to say hello. You can also contact us via the “Contact Us” page if you like – We can trade email addresses if you like.

      We welcome and invite you to those conversations, if you would like to be a part of them. 🙂 Thank you for stopping by and saying something so lovely.

      Mike (And the gang)

      1. Sure, I’ll be happy to jump into the convos when I feel ready, I’m just a little shy. OK, VERY shy haha. Do any of your family members have social anxiety? ☺

        Also are any of you on instagram? There’s a wonderful, wonderful community of systems there. So many friends supporting each other.

        1. There’s nothing wrong with being shy at all! Katy Mae can be very shy, too. We understand. 🙂 Oh yes, meeting new people can be especially daunting and social situations can be particularly difficult. Especially if someone is in the defensive.

          We don’t have social media and we are happier for it. There are 9 of us and we do our best to receive support from each other, not others. 🙂 We are just happier that way. 🙂

          1. <3 I am glad each of you support each other! And I feel comforted Katy Mae understands being shy. **shy wave and head nods to each of you with a smile**

          2. Katy Mae (The Pretty Bug) is the most beautiful of all of us. A great primer for understanding her is a post called “The song that saved our lives”. Here’s the link, if you would like to read more about her! The Song That Saved Our Lives

            We look forward to getting to know you – When you’re ready, hop into the comments section and have some fun with us!

          3. Our comments keep ending up in your spam filter.

            We read your latest post; Fear not! We have something that make you feel better. EVERY human being on the Earth is Transgendered and we can prove it;

            Men’s bodies create estrogen. Women’s bodies create testosterone; This, by default means that every single human being on the Earth is transgendered. How much someone embraces their tranny side, is up to them. 🙂

          4. hello skinny. im katy mae. which song do you like? understanding? my dad loves it so much. we like to listen to it together when things get really hard.

            when you have more nightmares, listen to understanding. it will help. 🙂

          5. Hi Katy Mae, I really like Understanding though it was my first time hearing it. I now have it on repeat because I like it so much.

            Other songs by Evanescence that I like are Bring Me To Life, and My Immortal 😀

            I will try out your suggestion! Do you have nightmares too?

          6. Yes! You can spot Katy Mae by her awful typing skills. She’s getting better. We can’t color code our text in the replies, so I will make sure we all announce who we are. 🙂

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