It’s still hard.
Written by: MikeANP
Hello lovely souls. We hope your evening is going well. The Pretty Bug is co-engaged and listening to “Understanding” while I write. Like I say, when you see Amy Lee (33), you’re staring directly at Katy Mae. It’s still hard, years and years into recovery; There is a tremendous amount of guilt and sadness that comes along with our self discovery of DiD. I can only write from my perspective; We all feel differently about recovery.
The hardest part of recovery, for me is the guilt and sadness of knowing that I spent 35+ years, estranged from the rest of my family. That’s the hardest part; That I have lost decades with them. Decades that I cannot get back. As a system, we are finally who we were all supposed to be. I find myself apologizing to them for getting them into this giant mess, in the first place.
Do you think there’s a reason Vermont, a tiny, no nothing state in the middle of nowhere is the subject(s) of so many motion pictures? It’s all, very simple.
Looking back, of course, it all made sense. All the conversations with my invisible daughter in the passenger seat of the car I was driving at the time. Now it makes complete sense but for too long, it made no sense. Who the hell was I talking to and interacting with for so long – I was so sick, I never asked myself, who, I was talking to – It went on like this for decades. We never spoke to each other in front of people but we ended up referring to ourselves in the 3rd, many times in front of others; Tragedy ensued.
I know it’s really hard for you lovely souls to understand and conceptualize what exactly I’m talking about. Call me “crazier” if you like (Per Kayleigh) I lost all of my daughter’s childhood, it’s gone. I lost Kayleigh and all of them. Had we had each other, all of this would have been different.
Had I listened correctly and been diagnosed properly, I might have been able to save us a lifetime – I would have been able to hear their voices again. I was informed that I had, even as a toddler, I had an “imaginary” friend who was my adoptive name”. No – It was someone else talking to me. They have always been with me; For that, I am eternally grateful. I wouldn’t be alive with them.
I implore all of you out there chatting with me; Get to know them, all of them – We are a bunch of miscreants but we are all individuals with stories and I promise you, you will grow to love them, just as I do. Even Kayleigh.
None of this is crazy, by the way, it’s just us – As we are now.
And that’s that.
That’s the shitty part of my recovery.
Really shitty. No more whining.
You guys rock for comin’ by and checking us out. Especially on your Friday night! 😀 Thank you and we’ll see you soon. 🙂