Sun. Jan 19th, 2020

Our DiD Journey

"People do it everyday; They talk to themselves. They seem themselves as they'd like to be" –Fight Club

Becoming Katy Mae.

5 min read

Hello lovely readers. The last 72 hours has been exhausting. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Everything. Katy Mae has been extremely dominant over the last 3 days. I have a feeling we completely (/S/) split; I can feel the crash coming. They always suck. The crash and dispossession (DSP) from a split or a possession feels like a flu without the fever. The body and mind is completely and totally exhausted.

As most of you saw, our Pretty Bug saw for the first time “Secrets” by Radical Face, who was a pre discovery (Pe-D) band that we listened to, a lot. And I mean, a lot. I wrote a while back about how music can drive Katy Mae into a possessive (P) and or Dominant (-D+) state. It only takes a moment and boom, she can appear from a dormant (DMT) or Co-Engaged (C/eg) state, just like that. I wanted to write more about what it feels like when someone else becomes dominant, especially for new readers.

I specifically felt Katy Mae becoming dominant. It’s almost like a rush but a very quiet one. MikeANP slowly drifts into the rear of our consciousness. It’s very difficult to explain. Somewhere, in the fog, the ANP (Host) is still aware of himself. That’s where it ends. Everything else is lovely and wonderfully Katy. The ANP, while Co-Engaged, experiences all of the dominant Katy Mae emotions. That’s where it doesn’t end.

Becoming someone else, means, exactly that; Katy Mae, unfortunately is just stuck in an ugly dude’s body. Everything she experiences and feels, I feel. From her diet, her emotions, her spiritual beliefs, her happiness, her sex drive, her sleeping schedule everything. From the ANP perspective, her emotions are extremely strong; They drag the soul into her world and her existence in the world. She’s the one who always feels like she’s jumping out of her skin – She has boundless energy and my physical body doesn’t, not anymore.

While being weepy, Katy can be extremely happy and bubbly. Very bubbly.

Katy is a chatterbox. Over the last 3 days, she’s been chattering, sending out hair and nail photos; She painted her nails at least 4 different times and experimented with new hairstyles. She’s was hunting for eye shadow and other chick stuff. All the while, the ANP is still in the background saying to himself “Ok, I’m an ugly chick – I look ridiculous”. For Katy, it doesn’t matter, she wants to look, how she wants to look and I don’t want to stop her from expressing myself because I have a confidence issue. After what she’s been through and what she’s accomplished, she has earned the right to be expressive.

She finally asked for something that threw the entire system into a tizzy. Loved ones and friends weren’t surprised by her request. We knew it was only a matter of time.

The song “Secrets” set her off, almost immediately and so powerfully, she began to internally project (I/-p+) the imagery that she saw. She was telling our family a story about MikeANP and Kayleigh Marie. This is known as an “Echo Element” (E/e). The crushing depression that she felt from watching that video was disabling. I could sense how angry and upset she was and at the same time, how confident she was looking at exactly what she knew she was. There was a crushing depression that I haven’t experienced since pre-recovery, drinking days. Thank GOD we didn’t see this video pre-discovery; That would have landed us in an emergency room, or worse.

This is what set Katy Mae off.
Ironically, that little boy (-f+) looks a HELL of a lot like me as a kid – Along with a young Kayleigh.
Did we mention young Kayleigh is introduced in the tree at 1:03 – Or- 3

  She echoed this song, on repeat for 2 days straight. She was burning the imagery and sound into her brain. She cried and cried, for days, watching this. We have never seen Katy cry that much – This was also, a cathartic release for her.  MikeANP was there the whole time, in the hazy, waterpainting background, trying my best to comfort her. I know, though, that she has to experience whatever she must – I wouldn’t dare take away her autonomy by acting against her emotions and actions. I was just there for the ride, letting Katy exist in the world.

This image is a story of MikeANP And Kayleigh by way of Internal Projection via Katy Mae.

    Living with DiD is a complete mind and body experience that will leave you exhausted, sometimes terribly frightened and always in awe, of whoever has become dominant. The amount of time you lose during a split can be particularly distressing. Having very little, if any recollection during the split or possession is always a terrifying reality to wake up to. Many times after a split or a heavy possession I will ask loved ones “what happened” while I was “Gone”. Katy Mae will hold the memories of this split, not the Host (ANP).

What is Katy Mae telling the world with this new Echo Element (E/e) of hers that she’s projecting (E/p+)?

Someone may or may not have to pick up wreckage of someone, who’s dominant on the attack (A/atk), if that “alter” in the system has gotten into a fight with a loved one, gone on a spending spree, ect – Or has done something that someone else in the system (or many) doesn’t agree with.

  It’s very complicated, extremely exhausting and terribly crazy to live with DiD. This is especially true of loved ones that know or love someone with DiD. Everything can change in a heartbeat. In a blink of an eye. Someone who seemingly loved you 5 minutes ago now hate your guts. I will leave that for another time. Relationships with those living with DiD is a very, very, VERY tricky situation to be in.

  Learning to live and thrive with DiD is a balancing act. A very exhausting one but one I wouldn’t trade for anything.

If you have made it this far, I thank you for stopping by and reading about the amazing and lovely Katy Mae. Thank you for spending your time with us when you could be anywhere else.

7 thoughts on “Becoming Katy Mae.

  1. Hugs or head nods to anyone of you folks if wanted. It takes courage to experiment with eye shadow, nail colours and stuff while in a “passes as male” body! Also, I’m so glad you have each other. And as someone in the outerworld, it is my privilege to be a friend.

    1. We’ll take some free hugs! I’ll make sure the Pretty Bug see’s this comment. Thank you for your words of encouragement. 🙂 Of course you’re a friend. 🙂

      We wrote/asked you in an earlier comment if you would be interested in writing a guest post for our website. You interested? –MikeANP

  2. I can see why this one messed her head up. It’s very beautiful – I can see why this would move her the way that it did. Poor thing. That tearing sadness in the music sounds like something the Bug would admire. KaM

  3. It’s amazing that you keep track of all of this so faithfully – it seems like it helps all of you – I hope it does – it helps the rest of us to understand a little…

    1. And it’s so wonderful that you are reading more about us; We are honored you choose to spend your time here when you could be anywhere else.

      This blog/website has saved us; It’s our hope that we can entertain while at the same time, educate others about the realities of living with DiD. I’m glad you understand the content – Thank you for such a wonderful comment.

      MikeANP

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