Hello lovely readers. What a f*cked up day it’s actually been. We, have accomplished our first addiction goal but there isn’t much celebrating. There is an anger to us that has come from understanding (To the degree that we can) what addiction and trauma means to us.
We are upset/angry/furious because we were estranged from eachother for 4 decades – Trapped inside a mental health system that assisted in destroying our lives.
This is what makes us so uniquely sad. The flashbacks are beginning. We were hoping to stave them off for just a bit longer but it looks like, at least, in part what the addiction(s) were hiding. Horror. We were afraid of this but the time is now.We have been having flashbacks of our kidnapper that have been particularly troubling. The kidnapping we experienced shattered Katy Mae. That experience I believe almost broke her into two. Flashbacks of orange sunsets and staring at a lone tree in our yard.
We were talking with loved ones tonight about how long we existed with eachother but not understanding all 9 of us were together, alone. Robbed isn’t the right word – We don’t think there is one. Half of our lives gone and we are just now beginning to slowly understand eachother.
A family member has yet again charged that we are of not sound mind. This person can and has no provided no evidence to our supposed illness and I doubt that evidence will surface. Family members have been charging us to “Get better” for years all the while ignoring evidence of just that; Finding order that has taken years.
I wrote a while back how when recovery begins, those closest to you will usually be the first to go and that statement cannot be any truer. At the end of the day, we must change and others don’t feel as though we are worth changing with us – And how sad is that when you are under the impression of the contrary.
A loved one was perturbed that we simply asked them to wear color appropriate clothes (Altar Activation) so that we won’t be as triggered and that was out of the question. Too much of a pain in the ass – That’s how little we can mean to some in our lives.
Even the little things are just too much for those in our lives to deal with. That’s not to say of course, we are taking this personally. We want to remain in order. We really do (Despite our bitching to the contrary) want to find continued order. Continued sobriety – Someone who wants to get to know all of us, someone lovely that loves our family and happiness that we can define for ourselves.
For as empty as we seem right now, though, all isn’t lost. Interesting things are happening. People have been expressing more interest into getting to know us collectively are and that’s nice, too. It’s nice to know that other’s do want to genuinely know our family, miscreants and all.
It’s always lovely when someone sends us a letter or a text with “How are the ladies”. It’s always real nice when someone asks us someone personal about us. We have so much to say.
Kayleigh Marie, gatekeeping. (G/k)
We have hidden in the shadows, in dishonesty with everyone in our lives, to one degree or another since we were born. – Not out of attentive malice but total and complete amnesic illness; And absolute shame, as well.
Since finding each other, all we want to do now is find others to interact with all of us. Slowly and carefully, of course. To know the real us, not the ill us. As we roll up on another sobriety/clean date all we want to do is be hugged – To be the object of someone’s affection(s). We have been alone, in the shadows, too, too long.
With order and attempted sobriety we are learning to embrace the fact that we are clean freaks. This is especially true of Kayleigh Marie. She, just like me, cannot operate in a messy environment.
Considering the living circumstances, that is extremely challenging right now. Constantly cleaning, however gives us a good amount of time to get to know more about each other.
We came to a single conclusion that’s really important and we thought we would share that conclusion with all of you. There is a consistent theme (T) across a broad spectrum of media and that’s self sacrifice for another altar or ANP. Everything from Titanic to Armageddon, The Painted Veil and everything in between.
The conclusion that we are slowly coming to is, that in recovery, finding order we are giving our lives for each other. Each of us, in our own ways has to sacrifice who we were to become whatever it is, we are becoming, for eachother and no one else.
In our Autistic echoing language, we are killing ourselves for one another.
I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be (P-30/70+)